Sleep was hard to come by because she had way too much on her mind. The pain she felt over the years for the loss of her son has been so hard to bear. Being so stoic and not expressing how she felt because it was the right thing to do in Walter’s eyes. She held all of her feelings inside and tried to deal with them but didn’t know what to really do with them. Now every time she saw a shooting on the news, she relived the anger and the pain she felt when it happened. To bring peace to her state of mind, she knew she would have to forgive him. She didn’t think that she could do that. His actions that day hurt her to the core.
Just as the sun was coming up outside, she got up and had breakfast. The more she thought about making contact with him, the harder it was to express her feelings in a logical way. She tried to sit down at the computer and type the message, but it kept coming up as a jumbled mess of feelings. It was becoming clear that she wasn’t ready to write him an e-mail. She decided to call Ed before lunch to talk to him about what she should do.
“Shirley,” Ed answered, “how are you today?”
“Not so good. I’m not ready to talk to him yet. I have way too many feelings inside that need to come out before I do.”
“This reaction is normal. What you want to do is not easy, but I know of someone you can talk to,” Ed replied, “her name is Ellen Turner.”
“Your wife?” Mrs. Stockton asked.
“Yes. She’s a counselor with the NYPD. She started training about six months after Marty was shot.”
“Do you think that Ellen would have time to see me?” she asked.
“I’m sure that she would make the time and would love to help. Maybe even make it a coffee date. She loves things like that. I’ll have her call you and set something up.”
“Thank you, Ed., That would be great.”
“I think it will help to settle your thoughts a bit before you make contact with Jerry.”
“It’s a good idea. I will look forward to her call.”
She got off of the phone feeling good about the plan, but anxious about talking about how she felt. There was so much bottled up inside of her that she needed to sort out and understand about what happened. She went through the rest day feeling very emotional and out of sorts, which was not normal for her.
After dinner, the phone rang.
“Hello.” Mrs. Stockton answered.
“Hi Shirley, it’s Ellen Turner. I know it has been a while since we chatted. Probably since Marty’s funeral. That was a sad day for all of us.”
“Thank you for taking the time to call me Ellen. Do you think you would have some time to meet and talk?”
“Sure. Ed said that maybe going to a coffee shop would make it a little less formal.”
“Could you come over to my house? I could serve some coffee here. I think I’ll need to be in a place where I feel comfortable to share these feelings.”
“I understand perfectly and yes, I would be happy to come to your house. When should we do it?”
They settled on getting together the next morning around 9:00 AM. Mrs. Stockton would have the coffee and Ellen would bring the pastries from the local bakery. After they got off the phone, Mrs. Stockton went to the computer to send a note to Denise
How are you doing? Been thinking about you, knowing how hard things are right now. The feelings for me came in waves and I didn’t really know how I felt. It is o.k. to feel this way.
I want to run something by you. I’ve been given the opportunity to send an e-mail to the man who shot my son. I’m having mixed feelings about it enough to talk to a counselor tomorrow morning. Should I even do it? He may not even answer the question that I want to ask. I want to know if he is sorry for what he has done to my family.
Am I crazy for wanting to do this? Should I just walk away and move on?
Would love to know your thoughts.
Mrs. Stockton went to the kitchen and refreshed her chamomile tea, feeling very emotionally drained. She took a couple of sips and decided to lay down in bed and try to go to sleep.